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i'm tired of who i am

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Dissolved Girl [07 Nov 2008|12:07am]
[ mood | cynical ]

Wow. Haven't written in this in a while. I thought I had deleted it, but I'm kind of glad I didn't. I need a release...a release to something or someone. I can not trust anyone and the only person I can lives in fucking Ft. Myers. So I am now here....moved out, doing it on my own, broke up with Jeremy, have become my basic old self again, it seems. And when I say my old self, it's the pessimistic bitch that has been coming out. I can't completely say that I hate it. It feels natural.

My relationship ended because of feeling stuck. It was horrible when I felt trapped, he was always there and there is no nice way of saying "Get the fuck out of my house" Don't get me wrong I will always love Jeremy and I care about him but the sex was...sex. Like I was fucking just some guy. And I found myself resenting him more than loving him. I can't explain it better than it felt like we had grown apart. I found my eyes starting to wander and I had no hesitation in going out with guys to hang out, but for me it was like what was the matter with me, why am I not happy with this man? It fucking sucks. Because now that I'm single I thought I would be able to handle it that it would natural for me to just be single again...and then I realized...just how boring I really am. How I don't have any friends and I don't enjoy most people. As a matter of fact most people piss me the fuck off...selfish bitches, full of drama. And how guys have a bigger fucking vagina than I do. I would rather be by myself but then I think oh shit I'm going to be that work-a-holic bitch who has 20 cats...GREAT.

I have this problem...because I have a fucking mountain of empty beer boxes in my apartment...all of which belong to me. Since everything happened with my uncle and Jeremy I can't wait to drink....and forget smoking...geez its almost a pack within a few days now. I have completely lost faith in everyone and myself.

My parents aren't too much better either...well my dad is. My mom saw my newest tattoo and almost dumped a vile of holy water on me because it has a slight skullish shape. So now I'm the devil incarnate. I just feel bad for my dad..because he has to live with her at these points. I worked so hard to please people and be a great person...and for what? Girls have been talking about me behind my back and I'm almost ready to punch their face into the wall and tell them to get over themselves.

But let me say some positive things about my life. I'm breathing, doing awesome in school, fucking love the show House and if they ever cancel it I will find and kill them, living on my own rocks...mainly because...its me and only me...and I love me. No parties, no stupid roommates, just me and all my own shit, my time. I don't give a fuck if that's selfish but I love my "me" time.

The only problem with all this, is that when it comes down to it. I'm alone. Again.

I feel really lost.

~Dissolved Girl~
Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay

Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

I'm Nothing

[29 Jan 2008|11:10pm]
Alright....this is probably going to be my last update in this journal.
It's time...

I'm deleting my livejournal.
It was a good high school friend.

However it's all in the past.

I don't even think anyone pays attention to this.

Oh well.

I'll be deleting it this week.
I'm Nothing

[05 Jul 2007|07:47pm]
I don't know what it is about this month or hell I just don't know whats going on but I have just been wanting to get into some sort of trouble. Not like with the law or anything. Just be mischievous I suppose? I'm going crazy.
I love my job...
I love where I'm at...
I love the fact that I just had my year anniversary...

but I want some crazy stuff to happen, although when it finally does happen I'll want it to stop.
2 Without YouI'm Nothing

today I started my twenties. [19 Jan 2007|10:16am]
[ mood | awake ]

Well well well...as of today I am no longer a teenager.

I find that kind of depressing.

I think I'll go color in coloring books now. =)

9 Without YouI'm Nothing

[23 Dec 2006|03:39pm]
I'm almost to the point where this will be the last holiday I celebrate. Year after year my holidays are spent crying and finding out what else my mother thinks of me. This year I'm an embarrassment...which I knew. I'm not preppy, I'm not extrememly feminine, I'm not like my cousins. I'm supposably dark and evil. What else should I feel but hate towards myself and her. And what do I feel from her? HATE. I'm tired...just so tired.

I have no money
I'm stuck in Texas with all this
And I don't have the one person I love with me.

Worst Christmas ever.
3 Without YouI'm Nothing

[11 Sep 2006|07:08pm]
Today was a bad bad bad day.
This weekend was so much fun...and I come back to shit and god hating me...yay.


Then I'll be happy.
1 Without YouI'm Nothing

[11 Jul 2006|05:13pm]
Apple can shove all their products up their ass.

I'm done with Apple.
Anyone know of a good mp3 player?
3 Without YouI'm Nothing

[26 Jun 2006|01:54am]
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
I'm Nothing

[22 Jun 2006|02:44am]
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
I'm Nothing

[15 Jun 2006|01:30am]
I love Ashley Tarte and Kaylee...lol!!!!!

They made me feel so much better!
I'm Nothing

[05 Jun 2006|11:05pm]
Cross Your Heart
False Your Heart
I'm Nothing

[02 Jun 2006|09:53pm]
michele likes this road trip =)
and how appropriate is it that Road Trip is playing on TV. lol

Also...Louisiana is gross. (and not because of the Hurricane...it just is).
weeeee. =)
I'm Nothing

[31 May 2006|01:24am]
[ mood | mellow ]

I'm so happy things are starting to look up for me.

Michele doesn't like being depressed.

wooooooooo....Road Trip starting Thursday with my twin! weeeee! =)
1 Without YouI'm Nothing

[19 May 2006|02:55am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Today/Tonight turned out to be amazingly awesome! =)

Awesome...like me!
I'm Nothing

[11 May 2006|08:27pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I am very proud of myself...
I finally got my grades and I did very well in my first year of college. =)
::pats self on back::
I win.

And my parents bought me a present..hehe...yay!
1 Without YouI'm Nothing

[05 May 2006|05:13pm]
[ mood | bleh ]

gotta love having a random sickness ruin your friday.
hopefully i'll feel better later.
4 Without YouI'm Nothing

[01 May 2006|07:14pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Today, I was RAPED by Pre-Calc.
I love when you study for like 3 days and you look at the test and almost nothing you were studying is on the test.


Things are not going well.
In anything...

BTW-I am in love with Atreyu.
2 Without YouI'm Nothing

[27 Apr 2006|11:41pm]
[ mood | determined ]

College just might actually kill me.
I just need to get through this next week...then I'll have a whole summer to conquer my goals!
Or not.

There's so much I want to do...and I want to do it before I'm old.lol.

Night Night.
2 Without YouI'm Nothing

[24 Apr 2006|11:36pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I really surprise myself sometimes.

Why does my best friend have to live so far away?

Only like a week left til school is out! weee!
Finals= no weee. =(
3 Without YouI'm Nothing

[21 Apr 2006|11:58pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Work was hell today...absolute HELL.
Sometimes I just want to tell customers to shove their food up their ass.
Luckily I got off at 8.

Picked up some food, rented movies, put on PJs and watched Crash.
Crash is the most amazing movie!
I was blown away.
No wonder it won so many awards.

I miss you Bethany, a lot...=(
3 Without YouI'm Nothing

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